Surviving - its what we do before we live again.

A friend of mine from an online mommy forum has been through the unimaginable - 

and yet -

 is it so unimaginable? 

We see tragedy on the news every day - we hear about it, we read about it. And then we quickly say a Hail Mary that it wasn't us directly effected and go on with our lives with just a tiny shiver of sympathy and relief - but then one day - it IS you.

Susan's tragic story hit me really hard because I kinda get where she is going now. I have an all too familiar understanding of the road she is on - and I don't wish it on anyone - ever.

This man was Susan's soon to be ex husband.

And here is a better article that just 'touches' on the craziness she had to endure. A little about the backstory

Now - I don't claim to understand AT ALL what it is like to have an abusive, crazy husband who threatens to kill me and my children. But I do have an intimate understanding of what happens after the sudden and tragic death of someone.

Sadly, it is often those of us who have been through the unthinkable that can best understand what lies ahead.

Now maybe it is the exit of Celexa from my life that is making this story so very personal to me - or maybe it is that I had an uncle that would have done the same if given the chance to his family (and thankfully he only took his own life).

But a big chunk of me believes it is touching me so deeply because I FEEL so much for her and her family right now. I have an understanding of the emotions, turmoils, preparations, guilt, etc that goes along with a tragic death.

I wish so much that I could wrap that family up tightly and carry them through the next couple of years of pain, anniversaries, funerals, inquiries, accusations, heart break, nightmares- but I can't. There really is no way around it - only through it.

Now many of my readers may know my story - many might not -  below are links to the media coverage, pictures, trial coverage, etc.

But what isn't listed below is what I went through with all of this. Am still - 6 years later going through. Now - I do have to say that I don't go through it or think about it very often nowadays - but the tragedies like Susan get me remembering- and in that remembrance is sadness and pain. 

Knowing what Susan is going through - I remember those first few days; the effort it took just to breathe. The surrealness of it all. The unbelievability, the fog.

I remember wandering a lot those days. I remember how unreal it all felt. I just couldn't fathom how the rest of the world went on when my world had officially STOPPED. I stumbled through interactions. I stood dazed in front of reporters with their cameras trained on my every reaction. I stood in the heat in front of the house where my parents were murdered - not even dreaming of what my life now had in store for me.

My whole world shifted and came down in a much different place. It is so hard to describe to those who haven't been there how life changing events really DO change your life - but also become a permanent part of your new reality. I am sure that cancer survivors would say the same thing. You just think differently. Its no longer a 'what-if'. It is an IS. It just IS. It is now a part of your life. It is your story now. Your loss - your grief - it just IS - that is who you are now. 

Sometimes it is hard to comprehend what the human mind can handle. We had nowhere else to go - Dan and I lived out of town - my company flew me in from a business trip - and we were still planning our wedding. My stepsister came in with her 10 day old newborn. My stepbrother lived far away as did my sister. All of the family that came to town - we needed a place to congregate. So we did. In my parents' house.

What no one EVER tells you - is that when the police release a crime scene to you - they don't make it all pretty and clean and nice smelling. You get it as is. 

The assault on the senses is one I cannot stress strong enough. My parents were both shot in the head and close range and then left - for 3 hot summer days. I won't go into any more detail than that - because even though it is MY reality - it isn't yours. And while it is so easy for me to talk about - I know it is so very hard for others to hear. Needless to say - it was gruesome.

They also don't prepare you for the media coverage. The vans parked in front of the house. The newscasts that you watch in detachment to see yourself talking blankly on the TV. You see the house - you - and yet - it isn't you. It is like an actor in a twisted play.

You are also never fully prepared for other people's reactions to these kinds of things. Who would ever think that YOU would be comforting others. Those that weren't immediately touched by the tragedy. But you ARE. You are comforting them. You are providing for them. 

And then the funeral/memorial part. No one is really prepared for this part either. The upfront cost - the demands once again of family and friends far removed. The what feels like pure lunacy of having to write thank you cards when you still can't take a proper breathe. How impossible it feels to wrap up a WHOLE lifetime into a few short sentences that will be scanned quickly and cast aside.

And to add so much more insult to injury - if you lose someone to a violent crime - how you CONTINUE to be a victim. How you are kept in the dark, questioned, looked at, gawked at - how utterly vulnerable you feel. Somehow that memo never comes down the pike either.

Funny how you would think that others would be there for you - would walk you through the mire - and yet - you are given just a mere stick to poke and prod your way through the muck. You hope like hell you got it right, but honestly you just don't know. How can you? You are too tired - too drained - too shell-shocked to even know what your name is. You just want to curl up in a ball and stay that way  possibly forever. But you can't - because others expect you to keep on keeping on.

And the nightmares. Those are awful. The waking and the sleeping. Levels of exhaustion you could not even begin to think exist - really do. You are plagued by thoughts, images, smells - the insanity of it all. All you want to do is scream - but you can't. Too many people are relying on your being the rock. Sometimes you are the glue that holds it all together. Or at least you feel as if you are.

That is all I can mentally go into right now - it is draining - even all of these years later - but I KNOW. 

You really do need to survive to LIVE again.

My thoughts are with you Susan and your dear family - and with Dan's parents. I know this must be so hard for them as well. 

I promise to revisit this again -I think it is good to not only get it out- but for others to understand. And for those who have been through the unthinkable - to be able to commiserate and know that -yep - I am not alone.

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About the Trial
More trial

Lance Kirk's Appeal
Our Victim Statement

Photos


Where to continue: http://joanandbobgriswold.multiply.com/journal