Today has been one of those days

Today has been a day I would like to forget. Truly. Sadly - a lot of days have been like that recently.

The reason for such a long, long absence from this blog and writing in general is that Dan started his own company. It has been a ride that, even though I expected it to be rough and bumpy - has been beyond so recently.

In April I left my job to work for and help Dan. I'm not going to lie - it is the hardest, most stressful job I have ever had. I've never been really good with numbers (or client relations for that matter) - and here I am - doing accounting, taxes, HR, client relations, collections, etc, etc, etc.

I honestly don't know how Dan did it before. He was killing himself - now of course he is still working crazily - but now I am very much a part of the madness.

And you know what? I have lost a lot of confidence in myself and my abilities. Which is really a BAD thing. I'm not used to be 'not good' at something.

I've been losing sleep - having panic attacks - at what, at times, feels like a serious spiral.

Now I KNOW that things are not that bad- but having the KNOWLEDGE of what could so easily go out of control is hard to handle at times. Lots of times.

Throw a really bad day with pissed off clients (about billing), a doctor's visit where I am told that Evie MUST have an expensive eye surgery, a stupid freaking rotting onion in my car, etc, etc - and it starts to feel impossible.

Now - the sad thing is - I KNOW I can do this. I just don't know if I can find the bottomless reserve of energy, willpower, focus and ability to learn quickly in a curve to handle it all. You know?

When my mom died - and I left my super, stressful job at Harland - I vowed that I would make my family my first priority - not work.

And I largely suceeded until recently. Now it is all I think about -it is all Dan and I talk about it - it is all we LIVE.

Dan has an amazing dream - he is an amazingly hard worker - he is truly amazing. I just doubt my 'amazingness' in relation to his.

I really don't want to let my lack of knowledge, level of frustration, depression at failure ruin his dream or our marriage.

I know- I know. Bad days make it ALL seem worse. I know. Get some sleep - calm down - take a deep breathe - and start anew.

I know that. I just got to get there.

I have to remember that I am my own worst critic.

So - I put it all down here - so it stops running around in my head - so maybe sleep a bit tonight.