Mother's Day without a mom

You know what they say - you never truly appreciate someone until they are gone. I can completely concur with this statement. I also think you don't 'really' get your mom until you become one yourself.

For the friends who recently joined this club that no one wants to be a part of - sadly - the first year is the hardest. 


I remember being bitter and angry that I had to acknowledge a holiday I wanted no part of. I didn't get to send a card to my mom. I didn't get to give her a present - take her to dinner - laugh with her. I got to, instead, have painful memories and lost opportunities. I got to watch joyful families celebrate their mothers and hug them close.


I, like so many others, had issues with my mom. We had petty jealousies and misunderstandings - squabbles and hurt feelings. My one regret is that I didn't get to resolve those things with her while she was still alive - but funnily enough they were once she was gone. I did find peace with my mom after she was gone - for that I am grateful.

Sunday is just two weeks shy of 8 years since I lost my mom.  Each year has been a little easier - a little more joy and a lot less heartache. I find myself reflecting more on my mother and her actions AS a mother now more than ever.


As my own child grows and blossoms I see glimpses of her in Evie. I see glimmers of her in ME. I realize now that being a mother is the hardest job I've known. There are no days off. There is never a leaving of fear for your child. You always will have anxiety about whether or not each action, word, thought will reflect negatively in your child's life. I think of all of the ill will I held against my mother for all the years of my life and realize that she was human and doing the very best she knew how.


I wish I had the chance to tell her that most of all. That I 'get' it now. I understand. I know what it is to be tired, weary, and yet have to be there - do things - be ALL things to your children and your family. I get now how hard it can be. How easily a sharp tone, a frustrated word, a look, a sigh can escape in moments of weakness. I get the guilt that accompanies this and how sometimes it just feels like you had no other option at the time. Like there was just nothing else left to give.

I wish I could also share the unbelievable JOYS that I have found through my child. The truly limitless boundaries of my love for this little person. How I burst with pride at her achievements. How her hugs fill me with endless sunshine. How her love makes me feel invincible.

I hope to one day get to share these things with Evie as a grandma. That is one more regret I have - my mom never got to be a grandma to her only grandchild. She never got to see either of her girls get married. She didn't get to do a whole lot of things - but I think she knows how much we really love her.

Even though she is gone - she is far from forgotten. She is a living light in our lives and I often say a little hello as I pass her picture on the stairs.