Today we took Evie to a special Developmental Pediatrician. I am really glad we went. He took over an hour to evaluate her - including quantifiable tests and gave us a good idea of where she stands on things like listening, speech, gross and fine motor skills.
First for the good news - in her gross motor skills like head control, tummy time activities, midline meeting of hands, etc - she is doing fantastic. In fact, she is at the 3 month marker already. Now if we all remember - less than 2 weeks ago - she was evaluated at below average for her age. Knowing this, and having specific tasks to work on with her on- through hard work on both our parts - she is now ABOVE average. Fantastic! (she turned herself from her tummy to back with ease and isn't supposed to be able to do that yet!)
She is also way ahead for speech activities. She is developing a bit ahead of the curve when it comes to sounds made, speech, interactive speech, etc.
Here is where the weird and not so good news comes in (and it is also stuff that I have observed myself) - in the area of receptive hearing (or listening) - she is at the 0-1 month level. Vastly out of the whack with the speech part of hearing. Very strange - and even he thought so. She is also only at a 2 month level for fine motor skills and that mainly deals with her eyesight and her lack of focusing on things to track them.
So here is a possibility - she has damage in her vision and hearing centers of her brain. (which we knew could be a problem). What makes it interesting is that she can SEE and HEAR - but it is selective. She just decides what she chooses to respond to. This is where my frustration comes in. How do you TEACH someone to be interested in something? It almost seems like she has autistic tendencies - but she is WAY to young for that -and she is progressing so fabulously in other areas.
In 6 weeks if she isn't markedly improved in these areas - we are going to take her to a opthamologist and to a special hearing center where they will test her brain stem hearing functions. And then we go from there.
What that means for me - is even more diligence as far as her vision and hearing are concerned. I have been working with her extensively on motor skills exercises that are laid out in the program I have for brain injured children. And it has worked. I have been hesitant to work with her on some of the hearing/vision things as they seemed so invasive to me. Now I see that if I can have that kind of improvement in motor skills - I can have that with the other areas too. I just have to buckle down and incorporate those things that go against my natural inclinations and trust the program. I DO know the program works for severely brain injured children - so it will work for Evie. I just need to give it that extra 20% and get my involvement up to that 110% area. So I am going to.
So that means even less time online - with the TV - with 'entertainment' value reading - and spend it with Evie. If I'm not working with her (she's asleep) - then I will be reading up and setting up new activities - programs for her. Dan and I are going to commit to whatever it takes. WE WILL have a happy, well baby and we WILL make her a bright, amazing young woman.
So for the record - this is my pledge to do that much better. Now I just need to find a coffee IV so I can 'mainline' it as there is no sleep for the mother of a newborn and I need all of my brain activity that I can get.
So laters my friends!
jen
public 0 4127 2006-10-24 14:28:00 2006-10-24 19:29:00 And 3 Months it is!
Three months already. My how the time has flown Sweet Pea. It has been an action packed month for you - and for mommy too. It has been a month of changes and new adventures - and mommy is totally loving it as you are too.
Month # 3 is where the lights seemed to snap on for you little one. All of those pesky problems that came up in your evaluations with first the physical therapy eval and then with the developmental pediatrician - seemed to right themselves this month.
I'll admit - I got a little disheartened when I heard the results from the developmental pediatrician. Here you were - advanced on talking and motor skills - and yet so far behind on listening. It was almost as if you HEARD the sounds - that you just didn't know what to do with them. Well - you figured it out little one. Mommy got you a percussion set - and BOOM - the light came on - and all of a sudden you were looking towards noises. Actively following not only the sound but the objects with your eyes.
When Lisa your PT saw you - she was amazed. Here you were - you little bugger you - all lit up and ready to play. To go. And you haven't stopped since. You amaze me little one.
This has also been a month of milestones for the whole family too. This month saw you turning 3 months, meeting your grandfather for the first time as well as mommy and daddy's wedding anniversary of 3 years and our 6 year anniversary of meeting. And of course we can't forget your grandma's birthday! This month was also the first time mommy took you to the mall and left you alone, overnight with your aunty kimmy. Actually it was the first time I had left you alone with anyone other than your daddy! It also marked mommy taking some time for herself and starting a sewing class. I thought it was about time that I learned how to sew something with a sewing machine - and make you some darling clothes. The first dress didn't turn out too bad - besides you are too young to know better or care - you will one day - but you aren't there yet. =) Oh -and we took you to the state Fair too - you spent most of it asleep - but it was a nice outing for all of us and a good chance for Aunty Rachel and Uncle Chris to see you too!
Let me explain this to you now - so later you don't get confused. You have LOTS of aunts and uncles. Some actually related to you - most not. And that is ok. These people love you just like you were 'blood' related - and therefore qualify for relatives in our book. We have quite an extended family little girl - and you are lucky to be a part of it. Don't forget that. Family can be related - but it also can be built from friends.
Let me get some pictures out of the way so I can write more about the 'fun' we have been having - mainly with your poop. See? Makes you want to get through the pictures to get to the poop doesn't it?
Here you are with your grandpa - my dad
You pulled some of those chin hairs out - yes you did.
Your day at the Texas State Fair - safely strapped in so no one could even think about taking you
And this is how you spent most of your day
Although daddy did get one chance when you were awake to get this shot. Some hick woman actually said she would gladly take you home with her. I almost gladly popped her in the mouth for that one.
One more of you in that adorable little Target Halloween onsie I so love (before it doesn't fit anymore - you are growing like a weed kid)
Your daddy is so photogenic - dammit.
Here is that dress I made you
Your day at the mall - and you absolutely loved looking around. You were awake almost the whole time!
Not that you look particularly thrilled at this point. This is when Mommy was taking a much needed food break in the food court. Veggie sandwich as mommy is on a diet.
Your awesome Dingo Snack Shirt
You reaching for the mobile I made you - see how interested you are now?
Oh and you outgrew this outfit the next day - literally that fast. You only wore it this one day.
My little 'psuedo' rap star baby. I laughed good and hard taking this one.
The "Growth Bear" picture of the month
How in the world could I forget? Daddy got your first REAL, honest to God laugh out of you this month. Not your normal baby laugh - but one that sounded like it came from a toddler. So awesome. I almost cried. Here is daddy reading to you. You adore your daddy.
This is you in another outfit you outgrew in a flash. It is a $100 outfit you got as a gift - you outgrew it in like 6 hours. So here is the only photo I got of you in it - and look - you are sitting up all by yourself!
Little you all cashed out.
And as you can tell from this photo - you have some - ahem - boogie issues. Along with the poop - this is a big issue for mommy and well - for you.
Now your doctor has assured me that your boogie problem is just mucus and that you are not, indeed, allergic like your momma suspects. Let me see - you sneeze about 15 times a day and I must submit you to the torture of nose suckage at least once a day or you can't breathe due to said boogies. You get your boogies at night and it is worst in the morning when you wake up - JUST LIKE MOMMY. But no - it CAN'T be allergies - you are too young. Pah. I don't beleive it. So boogies are the bane of both of our existences - but you are actually getting used to the nose suckage and we both get through it now with minimal amounts of tears.
Of course the same can't be said about the poop. Oh yes - the poop. The reason your mommy actually called the doctor on Friday. Because -well - you had just a wee bit of poop - and it was as hard as a rock. And you cried as you pushed it out - and then sucked the rest back in because you were done. It got so bad - your poop issue that is - that mommy and daddy would coach you on - cheer from the sidelines as we helped you pump your feet - rub your tummy - (massage your little rump) - all in the hopes of getting some of that wicked, nasty, hard poop out of you. It was killing you. You cried. Mommy got desperate. I knew it was the formula - but what did I do? I turned the internet which suggested some brown sugar in water for you. You cried for 4 hours after that one. Daddy made me call the doctor -which I did. They suggested 1 tsp of Dark Karo syrup in each bottle until you pooped -and they said it would be massive and runny. I didn't care - I just needed you to poop! It took 1.5 days of Karo - and it wasn't that awful. That was Saturday as we prepped Aunty Kimmy for watching you. Your daddy and I both prayed that it would come before we left for the night - thankfully it did. We woohooed. I am sure you thought we were insane.
Fast forward to today - Tuesday - you just finally went again. This time much more. And this is because mommy upped your dosage of Karo again. I really hope this isn't a trend with you. Constipation that is. It sucks. I know. Although I tend to have the opposite problem - but I wish neither of these things on you. Of course - genetically - you were dealt a 'crappy' hand as far as that is concerned. Both your daddy and I have issues of the bowel kind. So shall you my sweet. So shall you. Let's just hope you inherit your daddy's teeth and eyes- ok?
Your grandma said you have his temperment - thank God for that. You are a sweet, adorable, lovable, lots of times serious little girl. So beautiful though. I see your daddy in you. Lots of your daddy. But I have to tell you - I love looking into my own eyes. (that's nice and narcissistic isn' it?)
Each of these monthly letters I write to you I want to be funny and witty - but they often don't turn out that way. When I look at pictures of you - when I think of you - I get all sappy and dopey. And that's ok - because - well kid - I am your mom. And one day you will read these letters and know you were a loved, cherished - adored child. I take each of your smiles, laughs , giggles, triumphs, achievements and file them away in my heart. I watch you sleep - just like I am doing right now as you sleep and as I type this. Your little binky is sitting on your lip as you spit it out as you were sleeping.
God I love ya kid. Month 3 has been the best so far and I know it is only going to get better from here.
Love you baby,
Mom
I just read an article about C-sections and Apgar scores. It is centered around a woman who had a very similiar experience to mine except she was totally against the epidural and the c-section and had to do it in the end. She was a nurse and knew her options - she had delivered babies herself, but her baby's head got stuck and after hours and hours of labor - she ultimately had no choice.
The article made me cry. It made me sick to my stomach. I am shaken. Its such a hard thing to think about - you know - that day. The day that Evie was born - but also the day she almost died too. The day I almost died. I kind of skim over it because it is so, so very hard to talk about. I can do it in a clinical way - but to add the emotion to it. Dear God it just literally rips my heart out. I tend to not think of the what ifs because they don't get me anywhere and they didn't happen. But that is harder with Evie.
I loved her before she was even conceived. I had her name before she was conceived. And on Nov. 17th - she came into being. Just a spark - and I loved that spark ever since.
I will skip over the boring parts of the labor as it is - well boring. My water broke and I thought I had peed on myself so I went and watched 2 hours of TV. Birth stories which I never watch. It was Dan's birthday and we were going out that night. The birth stories were all c-sections. I should have known. I got up to get ready and more water. I finally figured it out and called Dan and told him to come home. It was 330p Friday afternoon. I then calmly called the dr. I then called my grandparents. They were freaked and told me to get to the hospital right away. I took a shower first and waited for Dan to come home. After the first few contractions I decided to call the neighbor to take to the hospital because they were 5 minutes apart.
I was calm the whole time. I called my sister - she got on the first flight back from San Antonio where she was and she got there around 10p. I was around 2 cent. for quite a while - they finally put me on Pitocin - within 30 minutes I was up to 8 and I thought I was dying. I begged for the epidural. My contractions were 30 seconds apart. I screamed during the epidural, my head on Dan's chest. Some from the epidural - most from the pain of labor.
There was another woman there having an emergency c-section as she had been in labor over 24 hours. I told them to go ahead and do her's first. We were going to do a vaginal delivery. My doctor just happened to be there doing that c-section. She came to help me deliver evie at around 1a. I pushed. And pushed. Her heart dipped. They put me on oxygen. I was pissed. I pushed so hard I was screaming with the epidural. There were around 12 people in my room at this point as it was slow night and there were 2 teams there because of the c-section. Evie kept pushing down and then pulling back in. She was going backwards.
My doctor used forceps. Evie wasn't budging and I was fading. I was so tired. I pushed for an hour. They said they were amazed at how hard I pushed. I had now been sans amniotic fluid for almost 12 hours. My doctor was getting more and more worried - I could tell. She finally said -'ok - this is the last one. If we can't get her out on this push, we are going to have to do a c-section.' I was dejected - but knew it could happen. I pushed as hard as I could. No luck. When she told me it was a c I was grateful as I had nothing left to give.
They wheel me into the surgery suite - I was so out of it by then I didn't know what was going on. And then the freak out began. I was numb from my neck down with a sheet up so I didn't see anything - but I heard it all. They finally ushered Dan in where he was with me the whole time. I heard the doctor's freaking out. They were screaming - things were crashing. The aniestesiologist looked freaked out beyond measure. Dan was nothing but a rock. I saw nothing in his eyes. He watched the whole thing.
At one point I felt like I was on a rollercoaster ride as I was bouncing around vigorously on the bed. This was when there was a doctor and a nurse on the table pulling on Evie and my doctor was below - vaginally pushing Evie out. By then Evie had no pulse or respiration and I was fading fast. I later found out that it was fastest c-section they had ever done. 7 minutes. When they had wheeled me in Evie had lost her heart rate and I was fading so they did everything and anything they could.
They had to do both the horizontal and the vertical c-section because Evie was wedged so tightly into my pelvis. She wasn't budging. Here is where it gets so very, very hard for me. And I know it does for Dan too. I had to ask him to stop telling the story around me because it is too much to bear sometimes.
They had Evie on a table next to me - if I turned my head I could see her. I refused to because I knew there was no life there. I got eerily calm - like when I found out my parents were dead. Dan watched. All I could do was focus on not going myself. I could feel myself slipping away and I didn't want to do that. I waited with baited breath. Not knowing that my organs were laying out exposed and I was bleeding out so horribly. They were patching me back together as best they could while the team of 5 or so nurses worked on Evie. Come to find out, both surgical teams were in there. Everyone who could be spared.
I could hear the manual oxygen bag being used on Evie. It was so scary. I tried my hardest to not imagine not going home without a baby. At minute 12 I decided I would send any energy I had left to that little lifeless baby. I wanted her to live. I told her in my mind that I believed in her. She had to live. I finally said to Dan that I couldn't hear the baby crying. He said it was because there was a tube down her throat. That wasn't it at all. After the third epenephrine shot to her heart - the last they would give - she took a breath. She had been 0 Apgar at 1, 4, 10 minutes.
I was shaking at this point. Horribly, convulsive shaking from the anestesia. The anestegiologist kept telling me it would all be ok. I told him that I knew that because she was alive. Later when they wheeled me into the NICU in my surgical bed and showed me Evie they told me they were cautiously optimistic - I said all that mattered was that she was alive. I would take the rest as it came.
As I was wheeled into the recovery room they brought my sister back - she had no idea what had happened. I told her and Dan that I needed them to be strong for me and to not cry. And then I asked if they were ok. They thought I was nuts for worrying about them.
The nurse told me to go to sleep now that it was all over - but my blood pressure was 72/45. I told her no - I wanted to see it go up first as I didn't want to die in my sleep. For 3 days they weren't sure if I would need a transfusion. I didn't. I just knew I would get better - just like I knew Evie would be ok.
When the nuerosurgeon came in and told me that there was brain damage - that Evie might be horribly delayed - I said I didn't care. I knew she would be fine. She was a fighter. I refused to accept the fact that she wasn't perfect.
The recovery was horrible in the hospital. The hospital was amazing and I stayed positive and upbeat and always made everyone laugh. I was thier favorite I think. I never bitched. But it was hell to walk - and they made me walk. It hurt to move. And the morphine made me itch uncontrollably. But I was just so overjoyed my baby lived.
One time Dan took me to the NICU -I still had not allowed myself to bond with Evie because I was terrified she was going to die on me and leave me an empty shell of a person. I reached out through the hole that they allowed my hand in and held her little hand and I told her I loved her. She started to bawl and I couldn't do anything. I couldn't hold my baby. I started to cry and told Dan to take me away. I couldn't do the one thing she needed at that moment and that was to have me hold her.
Over the next 10 days while she was in NICU - I came whenever I could. I pumped and pumped and pumped to get food for her. Anything. It was so hard. It hurt to sit up. After they released me from the hospital - I slept in a chair downstairs as I couldn't walk upstairs and I wept like I have never before. My baby didn't come home with me.
The next day I resolved to let that sadness go. She WOULD come home and soon. That next day I made Dan help me upstairs so I could take a shower - and I did. The doctor was amazed and a little frightened that I climbed those stairs - but I was determined.
We spent 14 hours a day in the hospital. We fed her, changed her, took her vitals. We read to her we sat with her. We sang to her. We were the only parents in the NICU that came everyday and we are the only ones that stayed as long as we could. There were 5 babies in NICU. Some weren't visited for a day at a time. How could you do that as a parent?
Everyone we met - we got to know so well. Doctors, nurses, the anestesiologist came and visited her everyday. They told us a miracle happened and we agree. It was a miracle and all of those people there helped save not one life, but 2. I will forever be grateful and I will never forget.
But I don't think I can do this again. There is a much stronger possibility of serious, life threatening complications with another pregnancy. I couldn't go through this again. I don't think I am strong enough for it - and I know that physically I couldn't do this again. So I am going to cherish and love and adore the one I have now.
But that is my story. It is forever etched on my heart.
public 0 4794 2006-10-31 15:18:00 2006-10-31 21:18:29 Boo - Ya'll
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